I am not the right guide for you.
And you deserve to know.
Warning: There is some adult language used throughout this article. If foul language offends you, or you are under 18 years old, do not read the following article and exit this page immediately.
Sure, I’m a pretty nice guy. And I know a few things about fly fishing in Crested Butte. But there are a ton of reasons why you shouldn’t hire me.
Let’s discuss the top reasons I’m not the fly fishing guide for you.
1) You already know it all. You’re the expert on Crested Butte Angling, and there’s no reason to listen to another professional’s opinion. Your bad drifts are actually exceptional and are what fish are looking for! Keep it up, bro.
2) You get angry when losing a fish. Anger and frustration are vital characteristics of superior anglers. It’s not acceptable to lose a fish. Period. So get mad about it and hit things with your fly rod when it happens – but not with my rod.
3) When 75-foot hero false casts are life. I get it – fish live in the air, not in the water! I encourage you to continue false casting the length of your high-school swimming pool for your best chances of catching the coveted Pine Tree Cutthroat.
There’s simply no need for a pro like me to help you develop a nice roll cast that keeps your flies in the water.
4) You believe keeping fish wet is a myth. Why keep that fish wet when you can keep that fish dry? Maybe even lay that fish in the grass so it can feel the sun’s warmth!
Besides, the fish you’ve held in the net for 60 seconds is already dead, so take your time with those selfies. Don’t let a jerk like me tell you otherwise.
5) You rely on biceps and testosterone to catch more fish. Let’s be honest… when in the bedroom, your wife has never told you she’d prefer finesse over an onslaught. And she’s certainly never wanted delicacy over indecency. So if that works in the bedroom, why bother bringing a gentle nature to the river?
Instead, you’re the guy who shows those trout who’s boss, every time. Smacking the water aggressively with every cast is your M.O. No one would expect anything less from a badass bass fisherman like you.
In any case, gently loading your fly rod before casting is just a bullshit thing a guide like me says to kill time.
6) When your teenager wants you to critique them more. Rather than hearing it from me, it’s best to continue breathing down your kid’s neck instead of giving them some space to learn independently. Allowing your kid to enjoy the experience at their own pace or letting a professional like me help is just dumb.
If it is important to pressure your kid into learning your exceptionally great fly fishing habits from you, I’d highly recommend you not waste your money on me.
7) When catching dozens of trout is everything. Putting copious numbers of fish in the net daily is your only goal, and rightfully so. There’s nothing else about fly fishing that matters. Finding peace, enjoying nature, appreciating every fish caught… all those things mean nothing to you. All you want to do is fuck with tons of fish – hell yeah!
Oh, and if you can’t put dozens of trout in the net by yourself, email me, and I’ll provide you with a list of top-tier guides who have zero personality but will get you 50+ fish every day.
Ok, I hope you got a good laugh out of that.
Just a guide here, venting a bit, making fun of the select few, and hopefully making you squirm in your office chair. It behooves us all to poke fun at this sport occasionally and try not to take it too seriously.
If you want to have fun, learn something, enjoy the outdoors, AND catch some trout, hit me up at info@slackwaterco.com. I’d love to show you a good time on the river.
Thanks for reading,
Dan